Co-Parenting with Someone You Don't Trust
Every resource about co-parenting after divorce will tell you to prioritize your children's well-being, communicate respectfully, and keep adult conflict away from the kids. That guidance is sound when both people are operating in good faith. It breaks down entirely when one person isn't.
If you're trying to co-parent with someone who uses every interaction as an opportunity for control, manipulation, or conflict, you already know that standard co-parenting advice doesn't work. The problem isn't that you haven't tried. The problem is that the advice was written for a different situation.
What makes this different from ordinary co-parenting difficulty
Most co-parenting after divorce involves some friction. Schedules get complicated. Parenting styles differ. There are tensions that take time to settle. That's ordinary.
Co-parenting with someone you genuinely can't trust is something else. The characteristics tend to be consistent:
Communications are used to provoke, document against you, or reassert control rather than to coordinate around the children
Agreements change unilaterally, or small deviations that most people would handle without incident become new disputes
The children return from the other household reporting things that concern you, or are clearly being drawn into adult conflict
You feel anxious before every scheduled exchange or message
You've made concessions repeatedly that didn't lead to stability
This isn't difficult co-parenting. It's something you manage around, not something you collaborate in.
Why staying regulated is so hard
When you're co-parenting with someone whose behaviour is unpredictable and frequently hostile, your nervous system doesn't get to fully settle. There's always another communication coming. Another exchange. Another incident to navigate.
What this does physiologically: your threat response stays activated at a low level even between incidents. You might notice that you check for messages from that number before anything else in the morning. That you rehearse conversations before they happen because experience has shown how quickly they can go wrong. That a notification from your co-parent creates a physical reaction before you've even read the message.
That's not anxiety in the clinical sense, though it can become that over time. It's an accurate nervous system response to a situation that has repeatedly proven unsafe.
What doesn't help
The standard co-parenting model involves shared communication, joint decision-making, and some degree of coordination between households. In a high-conflict situation, each of these can become a vector for more conflict.
More communication doesn't reduce conflict when communication is weaponized. Joint decision-making doesn't function when decisions become leverage. Coordination creates access and opportunity for continued control.
Trying harder to make the standard model work can extend the harm when the other person is not operating from the same framework. This is important to name, because many people in this situation carry significant self-blame about the ongoing conflict, as if the problem is their failure to co-parent well enough.
What tends to actually help
Several things shift the dynamic more effectively than increased communication attempts.
Written-only communication. Limiting exchanges to text or email removes the real-time reactivity that calls create, and produces a record. Some people use apps designed for high-conflict co-parenting; others use email. The goal is to depersonalize the interaction as much as possible.
Short, factual responses about logistics only. Not addressing provocations or emotional content. Not over-explaining or defending your position in response to accusations. This is harder than it sounds, and it often requires support to do consistently, because the pull to respond is strong.
Specific, detailed agreements that reduce ambiguity. The more ambiguity in a parenting arrangement, the more opportunity for conflict. Clear, written agreements that leave little room for interpretation reduce the surface area for dispute. This sometimes means returning to a formal parenting order for more specificity, which a family lawyer can advise on.
Managing your own nervous system before you respond, not in the moment. This is different from "staying calm." It's about understanding what happens to your decision-making capacity when you're activated, and having strategies that work before you pick up the phone or type a reply.
Your children are watching you regulate
One of the most useful things you can do for children in a high-conflict co-parenting situation is maintain your own functioning. Children don't need their parents to get along. They need the parent they're with to be present, regulated, and not visibly destabilized by the other parent's behaviour.
That's not a performance. It's something you build over time, with support, in the space between the incidents.
Frequently Asked Questions
-
That depends on whether improvement is possible. If the other person is operating in bad faith, attempts to improve the relationship often creates more opportunity for harm. The goal isn't always a good co-parenting relationship; it's a functional one. Functional often means minimal, structured, and well-documented.
-
This is one of the most painful aspects of high-conflict co-parenting. What helps most isn't counter-programming, but consistency: being reliably present, calm, and honest with your children in age-appropriate ways. Children benefit from having at least one stable parent more than they benefit from a parent who tries to manage what they think of the other.
-
These aren't mutually exclusive. Therapy supports your functioning regardless of the legal situation. Legal intervention becomes relevant when conflict is reaching levels that directly harm the children, when parenting agreements are being consistently violated, or when patterns of behaviour need to be addressed formally. A family lawyer or parenting coordinator is the right resource for that assessment.
-
Yes, and for many people in high-conflict situations, parallel parenting is more appropriate than co-parenting. It involves each parent operating independently during their parenting time, with contact between parents limited to essential logistics in writing. The next post in this series covers that distinction in more detail.
Working with 365 Psychotherapy & Counselling
I work with adults across Ontario navigating high-conflict co-parenting situations. My approach is trauma-informed and integrative, and I hold the Certified Clinical Trauma Specialist, Individual (CCTS-I) credential from the Arizona Trauma Institute. Before becoming a psychotherapist, I spent several years working as a law clerk in a family law practice. That background informs how I understand the legal dimensions clients are managing alongside the emotional ones.
If any of this resonates, a free 15-minute consultation is the place to start. It's a low-pressure conversation to see whether what I offer is a fit.
This post is educational and is not a substitute for individual clinical care. Shelby Doherty-Sirkovich is a Registered Psychotherapist (CRPO #12083) practicing virtually across Ontario, Canada. If you are in crisis, the 9-8-8 Suicide Crisis Helpline is available 24/7 by call or text. In an emergency, call 911. For Ontario community and social services, call 211.
