Writing on Betrayal, Divorce, Relationships, and What Gets in the Way.
These posts are written for people navigating difficult relationship experiences: not as a substitute for therapy, but as a place to find language for what you're going through.
Shelby Doherty-Sirkovich, RP, MACP · CRPO #12083 · Virtual therapy across Ontario
The Three Kinds of Betrayal Trauma: Relational, Caregiver, and Institutional
Betrayal trauma isn't one experience with one shape. It shows up in at least three distinct forms, depending on who or what caused the harm and how much you depended on them: relational betrayal (from a partner, friend, or family member), caregiver betrayal (from a parent or guardian), and institutional betrayal (from a system you trusted to protect you, like a court, workplace, or religious organization). Each form carries a different weight because each involves a different kind of dependency.
Most discussion of betrayal trauma online narrows it down to infidelity. That's one form of relational betrayal, but it's far from the whole picture, and treating it as the whole picture leaves out some of the most disorienting betrayals people live through.
Why Do I Keep Ending Up With the Same Kind of Person?
If you've dated or partnered with several people who turned out to be emotionally unavailable, controlling, or unreliable in the same specific way, it's not a coincidence and it's not bad luck. Your nervous system learned early on what closeness is supposed to feel like, and it tends to recognize (and gravitate toward) relationships that match that template, even when the template isn't a healthy one.
This isn't about choosing badly on purpose. It's about familiarity getting mistaken for compatibility. The dynamics that feel most "normal" to you are often the ones that mirror what you grew up around, not the ones that are actually good for you.
Ambiguous Grief: Grieving What Was Never Fully Lost
There's a kind of grief that doesn't have a funeral.
It might be grief for a parent who is still alive but was never really there. Grief for a relationship that ended without a clear reason, or one that kept going without ever really working. Grief for the family you thought you'd have, or the one you thought you already did. Grief for a version of yourself you had to give up in order to survive something.
None of these losses come with rituals or casseroles or condolence cards. There's no socially recognized moment to mourn, no permission to fall apart, and often no one around who understands why you're still grieving something that isn't technically gone, or something that other people think you should be over.
This is ambiguous grief: grief without clear boundaries, and grief without social permission.
Parentification as Betrayal: When Your Parent Made You the Adult
There is a specific kind of child who gets described as "so mature for their age." The one who manages the household logistics, who knows not to bother Mum with that right now, who becomes the person a parent cries to after a hard day. Who mediates, translates, holds things together.
Adults who were that child often carry two things simultaneously: a sense that their childhood was basically fine, and a background hum of exhaustion, difficulty asking for help, and something that feels like resentment toward people who expect too much of them.
They are often confused about why.
The Patterns That Follow You: How Parentification Shows Up in Adult Relationships
In Part 1 of this series, we looked at what parentification actually is: the two forms it takes, what it teaches children about themselves and relationships, and why it tends to go unrecognized for so long.
This post picks up where that one left off. Because understanding what happened is useful. But most people who come to therapy aren't there to understand their childhood in the abstract. They're there because something in their present-day life isn't working: a relationship that keeps breaking down, a pattern they can't seem to get out of, a version of themselves they don't entirely recognize.
So, this is about the present. Specifically, about four patterns that show up consistently in adults who took on a parentified role as kids.
Posts on this site are educational and are not a substitute for individual clinical care. Shelby Doherty-Sirkovich is a Registered Psychotherapist (CRPO #12083) practicing virtually across Ontario, Canada. If you are in crisis, the 9-8-8 Suicide Crisis Helpline is available 24/7 by call or text. In an emergency, call 911. For Ontario community and social services, call 211.